


Forever

by DemonBanisher



Series: Escaping His Shadow [4]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Depression, Emotional Hurt, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Past Abuse, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-05
Updated: 2021-01-05
Packaged: 2021-03-16 00:55:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28573377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DemonBanisher/pseuds/DemonBanisher
Summary: On the bad days, a part of Remus still wants Fenrir near.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: Escaping His Shadow [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2024663
Kudos: 14





	Forever

**Author's Note:**

> CW/TW: discussions of emotional and psychological abuse, reference to past self harm, conversations surrounding depression

No one ever tells you how dangerous forever can be, Remus thinks to himself as he sits in his room, a drink in hand watching the hour grow later and later. He had a bad day. To be honest he’s had a really rough couple of weeks. His depression has been hanging over his head like a suffocating blanket and he’s barely been able to sleep. When he complains about how tired he is everyone tells him to go to bed earlier. What they don’t understand is that he does. He’s exhausted but the constant attack of the voices in his head keep him awake until he can’t bear it anymore and he gets up.

His phone is in his hand. His phone is in his hand because he’s thinking of texting Fenrir. He could call Sirius or text James or Lily. Hell, most of his friends would still be up at this hour, but he’s had a bad day and after days like this he always wants Fenrir. Some deep dark part of him won’t stop yearning for him. 

See that’s the problem with forever. When it was just him and Fenrir against the world, before it all went wrong, Remus believed that he’d be alright as long as he had Fenrir in his life. Later that was what Fenrir would remind him. That the way it always had been, the way it always would be, would be just the two of them. He’d say it was because no one else could understand their darkness, because Remus couldn’t say the things he said to Fenrir to other people. He had believed Fenrir was the only one who would ever understand him. His therapist had used the term ‘safety net’ the last time they’d talked about him. She felt that Remus couldn’t block him because a part of him still wanted Fenrir there. A part of him was still convinced that one day everyone would leave, and Fenrir would be all he had. 

Remus wondered if Fenrir thought that too. He knew Fenrir still thought in forever. In a story that was years long and ended in them in a coffee shop somewhere talking as if nothing bad had ever happened between them. And that was what scared Remus. That Fenrir’s forever was something he couldn’t control.

When someone tells you a part of their heart will always belong to you, how do you respond? In books and tv shows it’s this big, beautiful thing. It’s tearful goodbyes in the rain where you know their love story isn’t really over. It’s the memory of the perfect summer with someone you’ll never forget. But in real life, coming from people like Fenrir, it’s terrifying. It’s scary to know that he’s dug his claws into Remus, and he won’t let go. That he is convinced that he’s never letting go. It’s hard and painful because Remus doesn’t want that part of his heart anymore. Maybe there’s a part of Fenrir still in Remus, but not like that. If he loves him at all it’s not in the way he used to, and it’s certainly not like this. 

And then there’s Sirius. Sirius who Remus wants a future with, but he finds it hard to think in forever anymore. The idea tainted by memories of the sweet boy who Remus used to share music with and plan ways to survive the zombie apocalypse. The sweet boy who Remus would stay up so late texting that he’d be nodding off in class the next day. The sweet boy who turned werewolf and tore it all apart. Remus knows Sirius isn’t Fenrir. Knows he won’t go werewolf on him. Still, he finds it hard to think in forever when it comes to love. The only lasting feeling he knows is that what Fenrir did to him, the way he treated him, will scar him forever. He will never truly be free of Fenrir’s ghost because he’ll always be left with his scar tissue.

Fenrir says he’ll love him forever. Fenrir says he still dreams of Remus. Fenrir talks in phone calls and one days. And Remus just wants to scream at him to stop. Because forever is a long time when you don’t have a control over it. When you know someone is writing you into their future in a story you don’t want to be a part of. A long-time of knowing that they are thinking about you in ways that you can’t control. When Remus hears Fenrir say forever, all he hears is a threat.

He opens his messages, starts typing then deletes the message. He knows that while one part of him yearns for an understanding that he feels only Fenrir can give another part of him yearns for the pain. He knows that the ache in his soul caused by his depression is dark and nebulous, but if he dredges up this past he can count on a pain that is somehow more tangible and therefore easier to manage. It’s why he used to cut. It was a way of having control over the pain instead of letting it control you. 

Remus doesn’t believe in forever anymore. He can’t. It’s just one more thing Fenrir took from him. But tonight, he’s just trying to believe in tomorrow. But tomorrow requires sleep and his brain isn’t going to give him that just yet. So, he leans back in his chair, takes another drink, and stares down the future, the one he’d never thought he’d live long enough to see, and hopes one day it will be a little less terrifying.


End file.
